AWARE

Perpetrators of violence hate themselves and the world around them. The simplest way we can personally control violence, is not be the perpetrator ourselves. When we love ourselves and others, we can prevent so much abuse, violence, and other needless suffering. We are love-able when we build people up rather than tear them down. This makes it easier to develop confidence and trust in ourselves, which allows us to find purpose and meaning in our lives. Confidence and trust in ourselves are built over time as useful habits and skills are developed. Habits and skills are made up of systems or processes – a series of small simple steps or tasks that each of us can do without the possibility of failure. Our choices make accomplishing small, simple tasks happen. Our choices support and connect all the elements which make up who we are, how we see ourselves, and how we see the world. What we focus on increases. Abuse has no place if we focus on goodness, developing wisdom, and continually improving ourselves.

Without loving ourselves and others we are lost and are susceptible to becoming either a victim or a perpetrator. In many cases – both. Becoming love-able – the ability to give and also receive love, makes us keenly aware and in control of our thoughts and emotions, which prevents us from harming ourselves and others.

When we love ourselves enough to take good care of ourselves, we are resilient and strong. We are aware – looking out for potential danger reduces our own risk of being abused or exploited. If something terrible should happen to us, being love-able prevents us from becoming a victim in our own view. Being able to love, allows forgiveness in and pushes hurt and sorrow out. Although easier said than done, it is possible.

Every person is born with the abilities to love and to be loved, but like a seed it is only the beginning. It takes time and nurturing to develop and mature. People who are love-able live with purpose and meaning because they see worth in every individual person – including themselves.

Needless suffering – the consequences of misguided or careless choices, can be avoided or minimized, when we have purpose and meaning in our lives. With purpose and meaning our choices are guided and careful, not careless. As strange as it may seem, some suffering is needed to help us find purpose and meaning. We cannot eliminate all suffering. Beyond our choices and control – people get sick, disappointments occur, heartache happens and we grieve. Life happens. This suffering allows us to be stronger, more understanding and more empathetic to those people who suffer so terribly. It allows us to identify with each other, and give hope and strength to one another. This pain motivates us to change and allows us to appreciate the joy in our lives. However, there is enough misery in the world without creating more with our own misguided and careless choices. There is wisdom in knowing the difference between needed suffering and needless suffering.

Confidence and trust in ourselves give us belief to seek after purpose and meaning in our lives. Without a belief that purpose and meaning are possible to attain, we can’t or won’t even look for them. We simply try to survive. When other people have confidence and trust in us it makes it easier to have it in ourselves. Having someone else believe in us can alter our lives for good. When people genuinely believe in us, we feel good about ourselves. However, it can wear off quickly like a sugary snack. When belief in ourselves comes from within, strength is sustainable over a longer time, like a well-balanced, healthy meal. However, both require us to regularly consume more belief, an active process of effort on our part. We can’t control what other people believe about us, but we can control what beliefs about ourselves we consume. Waiting for or even demanding other people give us their confidence and trust, leads to resentment and contention.

To have confidence and joy, we must be content with where we are and, at the same time, work to be better. The trick is to compare ourselves only to ourselves and not to other people. Compare ourselves to our current selves, as we are today, not what we were in the past or what we may be in the future. Visualize the future and set goals but to achieve those goals focus on the present – the tasks at hand. When we compare ourselves to other people, we will either find 1. we are better, which often leads us to take advantage of those we view as “lesser”. We too easily dehumanize those people we view as “lesser”. 2. we are worse, which often leads to anxiety and depression, and we defer to those who we view as “greater”, increasing our risk of being taken advantage of by people who are stronger. Should we ever feel the emotion to hurt ourselves or others, ask ourselves if we are feeling “greater” or “lesser” in comparison to an image, idea, or person?

It’s not Fair. It is impossible to consider all variables equally and fairly because circumstances and conditions constantly change. Strengths, weaknesses, resources, opportunities, sacrifices, priorities and preferences are different for each of us, and are the result of our freedom to make choices. Example: An athlete who doesn’t smoke has an instant advantage over one who does. To have equality and fairness is to eliminate choices. Our choices may cause some inequality but taking away our choices forces us to be “lesser”.

We make comparisons only in small areas of application or expertise. We tend to compare our weaknesses to other people’s strengths and our strengths to other people’s weaknesses. Without this comparison we are each created equal but different at the same time.  

Doctors are valuable and appreciated professionals. They spend many years and thousands of dollars to earn much needed degrees. Plumbers, on the other hand, may be considered “lesser” professionals. Both the status and pay are considerably different but so are the hours and stress. In the context of history, however, plumbers may have saved more lives and extended the human lifespan far greater than doctors. The availability of clean water and the removal and disposal of waste may have done more to prevent disease and reduce suffering than modern medicine. Certainly, a curious study, but also an unfair comparison of professions. Each are extremely valuable and noble in their own way.

When we compare ourselves to ourselves, we can see the good in others because they are no longer a threat and seen as an opponent or enemy. This makes it easy to cheer for them and wish for their success as well as our own. Competing against our friends is usually the most rewarding because it elevates our performance but still allows us to be happy for their success should they prevail over us.

Comparing ourselves to ourselves allows us to make friends of our opponents and disagree peacefully. We waste little energy when other people are no longer our foes. At the same time, we are wise and don’t surrender to the evil that happens. We shouldn’t abandon true principles or just give in and make ourselves “lesser” as a way to keep the peace. Truth matters. We can learn from people we disagree with. We can add their ideas to our own, to patiently come up with a full understanding of the truth and more complete solutions. This is different than compromise, it is synergy. People can argue two seemingly conflicting ideas and both be defending correct principles but both be incomplete.

Work harder vs work smarter. Which is more correct? Develop a smarter way and then work hard at it. Inversely, working hard allows us to find greater efficiencies – smarter ways. Both principles are true but need the opposing view. Placed in the proper sequence – at the proper time and circumstance, opposing views complete one another. One acts as the primary principle, and at other times acts as the secondary principle.

Similarly, discipline and love are not in competition but cooperation with one another. Discipline without love is abuse. Love without discipline is neglect. This can only be seen when we compare ourselves to ourselves.

The secret is: everything we do, matters. What we do is either valuable or it’s not. We either get better or we do not. The focus on and the practice of continual improvement lifts confidence and trust in ourselves. This confidence is why helping reduce and relieve the pain of other people, actually relieves our own pain at the same time. It’s meaningful.

We all have the same amount of time during the day, however, we all have different amounts of available resources (talents, money, support, etc.). We can’t do it all and we surely can’t do it all at once – be satisfied where we are but be determined to be better.

Be better today than we were yesterday. We are always older and wiser today than we were yesterday because we made mistakes yesterday. We can learn from our mistakes and pain, and work to not repeat them. Embrace and learn from failure. FAIL FORWARD. The alternative is to complain, make excuses, blame other people, and let failure depress us, which we know makes us more vulnerable to abuse. By focusing on continually improving ourselves we are hopeful and optimistic. We look for and find the joy in life. We become so grateful for the good things, there is little room for the negative – we are humble. With humility there is no room for or time to be “greater” than someone else – risking any justification to abuse, and no time to be “less” than someone – risking being abused. We can learn from everyone we meet, regardless of their economic situation, nationality or condition. We are open and understanding of others when we are continually improving ourselves.

The secret to continual improvement is found in three simple steps: Plan, do, evaluate. We do these steps naturally, but when they are done intentionally and constantly, we see amazing results. Plan our day in the morning, Do the plan during the day, Evaluate what we did well and what we could improve during the evening. Repeat day after day. Constantly utilize Plan, Do, Evaluate on small tasks, large projects and even relationships. Conscientiously, using them on an hourly, daily, monthly, and yearly basis will actually produce the results we dream of.

This is not an effort to “fake it until you make it.” Comparing ourselves only to ourselves makes the process real because inside we know who we really are, and keep getting better. This makes us love-able which causes us to be aware and in control of our thoughts and emotions, which is critical when experiencing pain. This is not easy, but what is the alternative? We can PAY attention or PAY with needless suffering. Comparing ourselves to ourselves makes possible our efforts of continual improvement, giving us confidence and trust in ourselves, which together allows us to find purpose and meaning in our lives.

Parents and Teachers: Expect high performance standards and good things from us so we can develop confidence and trust in ourselves, but also expect mistakes. Let us fail, and let us keep trying if we are giving our best effort. It is good experience and helpful in the long run. We are stronger and prepared to do more difficult and useful tasks in the future. Let us try again tomorrow and the next day, until we get it. Give genuine praise and encouragement. Insincere praise undermines our confidence because down deep we know our true effort and current ability and want our future efforts to be based on the truth. Constantly improve yourself, we will do the same. We will understand each other because we will all be trying to be better.

A bully may make a comment intended to arouse our emotions and hurt our feelings. Bullies use partial truth as their weapon because they know it hurts more. A bully may say, “You’re fat!” This may be partially true. They are not accounting for all the variables such as individual health, metabolism, exercise limitations, injuries, diet circumstances such as parental choices on your behalf, etc., they are simply trying to feel “greater” about themselves by hurting us. If we react with a fight response, we often go to extremes, including eating disorders or over exercising in order to “show them.” If we allow in the feeling of being “lesser” we react with a flight response. We turn inward and attempt to console ourselves, perhaps with over-eating, which exasperates the condition. Oddly, proving the bully right.

If we are continually improving, others can’t intentionally or unintentionally hurt us. We are confident enough to defend ourselves. We can also absorb the truth from the critic and simply be better tomorrow than we were today. No extremes, just simple consistent choices and actions that make us better and better over time. We don’t artificially puff ourselves up with positivity, we actually replace or deflect the emotion that causes the pain, allowing us to cope with any negativity.

The good news is feelings of each other’s superiority and inferiority are not correlated, unless we let them. Feelings of superiority can’t and shouldn’t cause someone else’s feelings of inferiority. Inversely, the opposite is also true, someone’s feelings of inferiority do not indicate someone else is or feels superior. No one can make us (insert emotion), they can only act in a way to cause or remove pain to which we return an emotional response. When we replace or deflect the pain and our response to the pain, we have found peace.

Giving up or not caring – an initial flight response, may appear as a way to eliminate the pain but it is only a counterfeit, as it can easily be followed by a fight response done in private. This creates a dark place for bitterness and resentment to develop. As bitterness and resentment fester, revenge grows, and emotional pressure builds. Not knowing how to control this emotional pressure leads to unnecessary disasters such as a school shooting or suicide.

By sacrificing some of our self, to give hope and confidence to other people, we find more hope and confidence in ourselves. The simplest and fastest way to get it, is to give it away first. When someone is suffering with a painful problem, no matter the size, a big part of the solution is to help them help someone else. Their own recovery will be much faster and more complete.

Example: People who overcome a painful problem, such as alcohol abuse, or homelessness, often want to help other people who have the same problem. They understand the problem and don’t want their same suffering to continue. They now have a purpose bigger than themselves, and their own confidence grows. Their own healing and coping become even stronger.

Continual improvement, comparing ourselves with ourselves, failing forward, planning, doing, evaluating are all skills. Skills are something we can see that give us confidence because of the accomplishment. Our skills make us feel good because we are prepared, not scared. Seeing positive results motivates us to continue improving. Confidence and courage are contagious.

Abilities give us confidence to cope with the world. Without them we just try to survive. When surviving becomes difficult we become desperate. When desperation takes hold, tragedy is almost certain because we inevitably become the abuser or the abused.                                          Example: As horrible as it is, trafficked victims are only supplied because there is a demand for what they provide. The demand is largely created by the desperation produced by pornography. Pornography is fuel for abuses such as child trafficking. Viewing other people as objects, for personal gratification, is a feeble and miserable way for someone to elevate themselves over someone else. Consumers of pornography are abusers, and have no true confidence in themselves because they lack the habits and skills to make strong, lasting relationships. Avoid pornography like the plague.

Avoid Desperation: The simplest way to avoid problems like drugs, debt, pornography, etc. – is to never start.

As difficult, pointless or boring, as school may appear at times, it is a critical practice time in our life to develop habits and skills. Think of the disadvantages and challenges created by not being able to read, do math, understand history, complete work on time, do what we say we will do, and work with others. The lack of these skills limits our options, such as employment, which puts us in survival mode right from the start of adulthood. We easily become susceptible to abuse. Desperate to feel valued and important we can easily become the abuser. Find positive, useful interests and develop habits and skills that fit those interests. Don’t do nothing. Doing nothing leads to boredom which steals our productive time and we are left alone, weak and likely desperate.

There is no need to have our life all planned out in our youth. We can’t know our true purpose in high school because we don’t even know all the available options. From a young age some of us may know exactly what we want to become in life, but most of us learn along the way. However, we can’t find our purpose by wandering around aimlessly. As we focus on developing habits and skills now, in our youth, our confidence and opportunities will increase, and our purpose will eventually become evident for us to choose.

Habits and skills are not built overnight. Any skill takes time to develop. With repetition and practice, skills become habits. We get better at what we practice, good or bad. Practice makes permanent. Be careful what and how we practice. Perfect practice makes perfect. Good habits are difficult to create and bad habits are even more difficult to break. Good or bad, habits become part of who we are. Good habits are sustainable over a lifetime. Bad habits crush us over a lifetime.

If skills and habits are so critical to our confidence which then leads to purpose and meaning, how do we make them simpler to develop? Answer: Break skills and habits down into systems or processes – a series of small simple steps. Start so small we can’t possibly fail.

Shooting Baskets: Watch a group of students shoot baskets for fun on the basketball court. Most if not all, will go as far away from the basket as possible – 3-point line typically, and attempt to make shots. Perhaps they make 1 out of 10 – 3 points total. Wise students start at the place where the easiest and most points are made, and where they can’t fail – right under the basket. Under the basket they likely make 8 out of 10 – 16 points total. 16-3 is a big win. Wise students want to get better and find success the simplest way possible, the others are hoping to portray an image of success. The image is a counterfeit to genuine success and undermines our confidence because deep down we know who we really are. Missing more often than not becomes discouraging, which decreases how we feel about ourselves – a flight response occurs and we give up. If we started close to the goal and built up our confidence, we would still be enjoying the game.

Personal Health: Our physical health and mental health directly affect one another. The simplest way to change our mental state is to change our physical state. Simply going for a walk can change lazy and lethargic feelings. The irony is: who wants to exercise when we feel tired, but it’s critical. Clean hygiene, proper exercise, diet, and rest sharpen our minds. In the growth stage of our lives, eating good food, exercising and sleeping on an early to bed, early to rise schedule makes a tremendous impact on our health. It’s simple but not easy. Taking care of our own physical health allows us to be strong enough not to be abused and confident enough not to abuse anyone else.

Our simplest tasks – those each of us can do without the possibility of failure, are only completed or neglected by our choice. If a task is completely and fully physically impossible it is not within our choice and we have no control or responsibility over it. Otherwise a task can only be accomplished or blocked by our choice. Choice is the most powerful ability we have. Use it wisely because the consequences are equally powerful, good or bad. Who we are is built on the foundation of our choices, with thanks for the freedom and ability to make those choices.

Abusers, perpetrators, and bullies have often been victims themselves. The pain, fight response and need to feel superior somehow, has led them to do the very things which were done to them, and often worse things, to someone else.

We are sorry for your pain and misery but ask you to stop the needless suffering. People are important and valuable. Stop tormenting them. Stop tormenting yourself. You will find more peace, satisfaction, meaning and purpose from your pain, as you relieve the needless suffering of others.